Process Journal 5: Reflecting as Writers

I have spent my last 6 months in grad school at Cal, and not one day in those 6 months has been easy. I feel like I've been going hard 25 hours a day, and even though I've never been one to cry easily, I've had some dark moments where I felt like I just wanted to give up on being a student. There have been times when I felt like I let my students down because my brain was too busy processing all of the other aspects of my life. Between working, going to school at night and on weekends, and being mom to three....I don't know. I never realized a person could feel torn apart like that.

Has it been worth all the drama and the stress???

Yes.

Looking back now, when I still have papers to turn in, even though classes are technically over for the semester, I can still say (with confidence) that I am glad I went through it. The whole process taught me how tough I can be, how much I needed the challenge, and it definitely taught me a whole lot about leadership.

On the flipside, I figured out areas where there is so much room to grow. I was really intimidated by all of the learning theory my program was throwing at me. On top of that were all of the observations I had to do to understand multiple models of teaching. Have I lost you yet?

What I'm saying is, understanding all of those theories was really hard work, and I was scared of it, to the point where I kept telling myself that I would get it eventually or learn about it over one of the long weekends. Basically, I kept giving myself excuses for not buckling down and taking charge of my own learning. I had no self-discipline, and it ended up getting me into a whole lot of trouble. I procrastinated on papers until they piled up to the point of impossibility. Now, I've spent every day in the last 2 weeks just playing catch up and kicking myself because I am finally getting some understanding about learning theory and it wasn't so bad to get there.

My biggest Aha(!) moment came when I was in the car this morning and realized that I put my students through the same thing. I ask them to understand and apply their knowledge of LITERARY THEORY and then expect them to do deep analysis and seminaring about their analysis. I can see why it's so difficult, and it took me going through it myself to understand where my own students are.

That being said, I also feel fortunate because I realized that much of the work I was able to accomplish this semester was because I've had to look at the world through the critical lenses my own students are working on now. It took over 10 years of doing so to make my interactions with the world that much more meaningful.

I know my students will get there as well.

I also know that I am getting closer and closer to understanding what has been so new for me--learning theory and models of teaching using those theories. See, I can say that now without my fingers shaking when I type the words.

The lesson learned here.....don't be afraid to learn new things.

Is this a Thesis?

I am proud of all of you for the thinking and stress that has gone in to creating a really strong thesis for your research. Please post your thesis to the blog so that other students and teachers can offer you feedback. Once you have posted your thesis, pick one of your fellow students and read their thesis. Then, offer CONSTRUCTIVE feedback based on what your understanding is of a quality thesis.
                               Post by the end of class.